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By Popular Demand I Present To You: How To Eat Coochie
Monday, November 27, 2006


I'd like to start by thanking my readers for the many requests to share one of my true passions. When I was younger, I was naive. I thought that just because I liked to try the many flavors this world has to offer, that everyone did. As I grow older I find that my adventurous palate is a feature that sets me apart from many others who are too picky to try new tasting experiences. They have patterns for eating that prevent them from trying new things. For example, if you eat a hot dog day in and day out, certainly, you may never develop a liking for oysters. It's certainly natural.

Many have dabbled in sushi or have been tempted to try snails. Among the adventurous eaters, these are certainly the basics in food suited for the advanced palates. But if you are to get more creative with your ingestibles, you haven't really scratched the surface until you've devoured the likes of tangy snapper, mussel pie, moose lips, or the very rare otter wallet. Coohie is another one of those unique delectables and with the few steps provided below I hope that after reading this article, you won't be afraid to put your tongue to it.


Step 1: Be sure to procure fresh coochie. It's definately much harder to find than coochie that is a little bit older (maybe even stale), like the kind you can find at any corner Gas N Sip, but if you go to the extra effort to get it fresh, trust me, you will be rewarded for it. Fresh coochie can be easily identified by its odor. Much like shopping for fish, if it smells fishy, it's not fresh. Although unlike fish mongers, those who have fresh coochie available are not always willing to let you sniff before purchase ..or...um ...I mean.....procurement. Purchasing coochie is not a sure way to insure freshness. Hunting wild coochie is a better way to go, though harder to come by. This next part may sound strange for a dining experience, but you may need to tell the coochie provider you love them before they will give you the coochie. Don't worry though, you don't have to mean it.

Step 2: Don't just dive right into your coochie without a solid plan for preparation. Take your time. Unwrap your coochie carefully and inspect it for freshness and flaws. Be sure to turn it over and check the back side. Wash your coochie thoroughly and check it for pin bones by gently running your fingers along it. Remove with pliers, if necessary. Similar to lobsters boiling, people often think they hear their coochies scream in agony at this stage, but don't worry, the pain is over before they know what happened. Some people like to pluck their coochie before eating but I find the feathers add a nice texture.

Step 3: Never eat cold coochie. From my own personal experience, I've found that coochie is most enjoyable at approximately 100 degrees Farenheit, though temperatures may vary. It should always be tender and juicy. If it's tough, throw the coochie out immediately. There is always more coochie to be had. It is definately ok to stuff a coochie as part of the preparation. Check with your coochie provider. They are often ready with insightful ideas for stuffing recipes, though sausage is the most traditional (not vienna).

Step 4: Choose a setting. It's most common to eat coochie indoors and it's the one meal most often served in the bedroom, though it is ok to eat coochie in any room of your house. I wouldn't suggest the garage, but whatever floats your boat. Eating coochie in a restaurant is very difficult, but not impossible. You can also eat coochie at a picnic, but I suggest bringing a comfortable blanket to put beneath you to help keep ants off the coochie.


Step 5: Coochie is not a food you eat with a fork and a knife, and if you bring a spoon to the meal it would just be ridiculous. If you're not eating it with your fingers, you're just not getting the full coohie-eating experience. It's not uncommon to serve coochie with liberal amounts of alcohol, but there is a point of diminishing returns. You may also serve it with a sauce. I recommend chocolate, but I have a sweet tooth. Tabasco is probably not a good idea. Some people like to serve coochie with fruit. Two large melons would be a nice accompaniment.

I do hope these steps come of great use to you, and often. It would be a great shame for you to go your whole life without at least trying coochie, if not making a daily meal. If you take the time and follow all of these steps, coochie will be the one food that almost seems like it enjoys being eaten. This won't be true if done improperly. Coochie has actually been known to wrap itself back up and leave the dining area if not treated with great care.

Sure, you can go back to eating hot dogs if that's your thing. No one will blame you for not being adventurous. If all you ever did to coochie was poke at it with a big stick, you'd still probably be ok, but there's a reason that great chefs around the world are known for devouring coochies with a fierce passion. Emeril Lagasse is known to like his coochie steamed. Bobby Flay apparently likes his coochie poached. And the world's foremost coochie eating chef, Julia Child is said to have liked her coochie over easy.

(if this doesn't get me to #1 on the google search for "how to eat coochie", I don't know what will)

posted by othur-me @ 1:18 AM  
11 Comments:
  • At 2:47 AM, Blogger Jester said…

    I am simultaneously disgusted and intrigued.

    And "frank"ly I happen to think there is nothing at all wrong with enjoying hot dogs.

    My experience has been that coochie is a meal that requires a lot of money, a lot of time, and in the end isn't very filling.

     
  • At 7:47 AM, Blogger Killer said…

    This should ruin the word coochie on any google search.
    The picture of the grapefruit is extra disturbing.

     
  • At 7:52 AM, Blogger fringes said…

    Oh my.

     
  • At 11:14 AM, Blogger mist1 said…

    I have always wondered how to eat coochie. See this bruise? That's from the time I tried to eat my own and fell out of bed.

     
  • At 12:14 PM, Blogger Sushi the Mermaid said…

    Mmm...I want to try this coochie now. Is that disturbing? I think so.

     
  • At 1:16 PM, Blogger Churlita said…

    Yeah, I think I'm sticking with hotdogs and brats. Oh, and the poking it with a stick, does not sound like much fun at all.

     
  • At 2:49 PM, Blogger Margaret said…

    The things I didn't know I didn't know.

     
  • At 4:48 PM, Blogger Liz said…

    I think these instructions are the diet I've been looking for. This post made my throat close up and my eyes water- and not in a good way.

    But I kept on reading.

    I agree with my co-blogger Killer, the picture put it over the top. That and all the attention to "fresh". Ugh.

     
  • At 5:18 PM, Blogger othur-me said…

    Jester - of all the people in the world I thought I could never disgust, it would be you. I'm so happy right now.

    Killer - It's fig! The fact that you would think to do such things to a grapfruit just proves how sick you really are.

    Fringes - I could have made it sooooooo much worse. I showed great restraint in writing this post.

    mist - which bruise? That one? Or that one?

    sushi - you just reat this post and you think there is anything that would disturb me?

    churlita - would a twig be better?

    Margaret - I've seen your paintings. Don't pretend there are things you don't know.

    Liz - I actually used the words "keep ants off the coochie" and a picture of a fig puts it over the top?

     
  • At 12:03 AM, Anonymous sincerely, A Scott said…

    I understand that coochie is best heated. I know that not just anyone can heat it up, it takes a special touch to get slowly to the right temperature. would you be willing to share your technique for bringing your coochie to the right temperature? I have read in othur gourmet coochie recipes that if heated and devoured properly the sometimes need "I love you" is not at all needed by the provider. Has this been your experience? Perhaps you would also consider being interviewed, I am sure coochie providers around the world would get great satisfaction and appreciate you spreading the word.

     
  • At 3:41 PM, Blogger Lee said…

    Hilarious!

     
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