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The ramblings and observations of a kidney transplant recipient, although not necessarily for that reason.

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That's one good fucking mop!
Tuesday, October 10, 2006

My former roommate, Anthony moved out about a year ago. I see him frequently at work because my company shares a building with his. Since he moved out, I may have spoken a total of 10 words to him, 6 of them being "What's up?" (three times). We have almost nothing in common outside of sharing a house for a year.

A couple of weeks ago, Anthony approached me with a very serious look on his face and asked me "Hey Jerry, you know that red bucket and mop I left in the garage? I was wondering if you could bring that into work so I could get it back?" Always the busy body at work, I didn't have time to give it much thought and told him it wasn't a problem. It was his mop. If he wanted it, he could have it. I told him I would bring it in the next day and quickly let that thought out of my head to get back to the project I was working on.

Either from the three years of massive pot smoking as a teen or from early senility, my short term memory isn't what it used to be. Said mop never made it to work with me and a few days later I was approached by Anthony again. "You got that mop?" I apologized for my poor memory and, not willing to commit to "tomorrow", told him I would bring it in soon.

A few more days past and I hadn't seen Anthony, but his mop was always in the back of my mind. Though it never quite seemed to make it to the front of my mind at the right time, which was just before I left for work everyday. I began avoiding Anthony's office, taking detours through the building and finding myself waiting until I knew he was gone before using copy machine. I managed to put the mop so far in the back of my mind, I think the thought actually had escaped out the back of my head. After several days had passed, I ran into Anthony in the parking lot. He put his hands together in front of him, grabbed an invisible mop handle, and did his impression of Marcel Marceau cleaning the black top parking lot with his invisible mop. As he was doing this, he looked at me and made a look that can only be explained as "Question Mark Face". I silently shook my head back at him, doing my mime version of "No I didn't bring your fucking mop." Some of my best work. He gave a frustrated chuckle and we both got in our cars and left.

Anthony then took to borderline harassment tactics as a way to get his $10 mop back. He left me a phone message about the mop (I took advantage of my caller-ID and didn't answer). Then he borrowed a phone from a mutual friend so that when I saw "Doug" appear on my caller-ID, I would pick up and Anthony could again bug me about the mop. Here's where I begin to take a new stance on the issue. Look Dick-wad, I have more important things to worry about every morning than your stupid mop. I just had a kidney transplant, I'm lucky to be alive (slight exaggeration). Mother-Fucker left his mop at my house and he knows where the house is and why is he giving me shit for not bringing him his mop when he could get the piece of shit himself. I turned bitter. I actually thought about bringing the mop one morning before work and decided I didn't want to. Bitch-face could get it himself or wait until I was damn good and ready.

It has now turned into a game for me. He approached me about it yesterday. I reached in my pocket offered him a ten dollar bill and said "Why don't you just buy another mop? I'll pay." I mean...I could give a shit about his mop. I don't even mop my kitchen floor myself. I have a maid, cause I'm lazy like that. I think I may have pulled the mop out one weekend when I was between maids and the kitchen floor was filthy, but I really have no desire to even own a mop, let alone use it. Except now I am really beginning like this one.

He explained that his mop was special and he couldn't find another like it. It has this cool twist lock thingy on it so you can really wring it out. I agreed that was a cool feature (although I never really figured out how to use it). I let him know it was a damn good mop, but as monumental as this floor cleaning device was, I always have other things on my mind in the morning and have a hard time remembering to bring it to work (today I actually had to move the mop away from my car door so I could get in).

At work this morning, my first visitor of the day was Anthony. "You look tired," he said,"You got that mop?"

"Ya know?," I replied, "You know where the mop is and you go near my house every day. Any reason you can't just pick up the mop on your own time instead of harrassing me about it on a daily basis? Paul is always at the house. One of us is there 24 hours a day."

"Yeah, I never thought of that."

He was smart enough to figure out how to disguise himself on my caller-ID, but didn't realize he could just stop by and get the mop anytime he wanted. Brilliant. I'm guessing the mop will be gone when I get home. Goodbye sweet mop.
posted by othur-me @ 9:41 AM  
15 Comments:
  • At 2:43 PM, Blogger Far Away Laughter said…

    Hi!, i´ll never understand why people act like that, i had a similar strory with a jacket one day, the guy called me like i was going to steal the damn thing!
    Anyhow, i share your feelings.
    Greetings from Mexico.

     
  • At 2:48 PM, Anonymous fringes said…

    Anthony is lonely. If he picks up the mop, he will no longer have a work-banter topic. Be his friend, okay? He needs you more than he needs that stupid mop. I bet his entire house has carpets.

     
  • At 2:48 PM, Blogger othur-me said…

    Far Away - thanks for stopping by. I tried to read you blog, but because its in Spanish and I didn't see the words cuarto de bano or lapiz amarillo, my American schooling in the language did no help me get through much of it.

     
  • At 2:50 PM, Blogger othur-me said…

    Fringes - I never thought of it as a cry for help, but you may be right.

     
  • At 3:55 PM, Blogger Killer said…

    You need to cut the mop into little pieces and start leaving them on his desk on on his car at work.
    You could even make one of those awesome notes with cut out newspaper letters asking for a ransom, but include a few strands of the mop head in the envelope.
    That is how I roll!

     
  • At 8:27 PM, Blogger don't call me MA'AM said…

    I would have taken pictures of it in different places, and then left the pictures for him as a photo scavenger hunt. Then he could find the damn mop himself.

     
  • At 8:34 PM, Blogger Vicki said…

    okay sister this is what you do. (I Know your not a girl but I call everyone sister) When he comes to your house to pick up the mop, tell him "Oh man I took it to work and left it in your office."

    Great blog. You ramble on with details and the good stuff is always in the details and rambling. I tend to ramble myself. Feel free to stop by my blog any ol time.

     
  • At 12:47 PM, Blogger othur-me said…

    Killer - I can always count on you to make me feel like a nice guy.

    DCMM - Maybe I'll send it around the world to have it photographed at some of the world's greatest travel locations. Like the Travelocity gnome.

    Vicki - wierd that you call every one Sister cause I used to call every one The Detestable Mr. Sally Fuckfist. It got too confusing after awhile, so I stopped doing it. But you can be the new The Detestable Mr. Sally Fuckfist. So, The Detestable Mr. Sally Fuckfist, thanks for coming by my blog. Hope you come back. I'll definately check out yours.....um...blog that it is.

     
  • At 5:09 PM, Blogger Jane said…

    Ha Ha! Great story!

     
  • At 7:03 PM, Blogger rawbean said…

    My favorite part was when you moved the mop out of the way to get into your car. That's GOLD.

     
  • At 12:59 AM, Blogger Jester said…

    First, I'd like to know... Where the fuck did all these people come from that are commenting? *blink*

    Second, why didn't you ask me to bring the mop with me on my road trip... I could have gotten some great pictures at the New York New York in Vegas... maybe in front of the Stratosphere?

    We passed by an especially smelly cattle ranch in western Texas today that would have made a beautiful photo.

    How about at the Ryman Auditorium in Nashville? I'd take a picture of myself mopping the famous Grand Ole Opry stage.... This could have been great!

    Thirdly, what will you and Anthony have to talk about now that he has his mop back? It's quite clear that he was desperately trying to reconnect with you, as I'm sure his life has lost meaning now that he is no longer living with you... and because you have his mop.

     
  • At 10:31 AM, Blogger othur-me said…

    Jane - thanks. The true ones are usually the best.

    Rawbean - well....it was in my way.

    Jester - I thought we might bring it to gigs and take pictures of it dancing with party goers.

     
  • At 9:02 PM, Blogger La Chou said…

    If my mop was that fucking fantastic...I'd want it back too. Yes, too fantastic to spend five dollars to replace it.

     
  • At 9:13 PM, Blogger Liz said…

    Is it just me, or does that picture of the mop you've put on your blog make other people slightly uncomfortable too? It's like cleaning supply porn or something. Give Anthony the mop back... and don't ask any questions.

     
  • At 12:08 PM, Blogger othur-me said…

    la chou - I think the correct phrasing for that exclamation is "Fanfuckingtastic"

    Liz - does a man with mop like that do it for you?

     
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