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The ramblings and observations of a kidney transplant recipient, although not necessarily for that reason.

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Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Ding-Dong. "Think anyone's home?"

"Try again."

Ding-Dong "I don't think anyone's here."

"Is there a self-serve bowl on the porch somewhere?"

"Dude, there isn't even a pumpkin. This guy is not very festive. We may have to teach him a lesson."

"Let's try pounding as hard as we can on the door." ::::POUND POUND POUND::::

"TRICK OR TREAT!!!! C'MON, OPEN UP!!!"

"OK ASSHOLE, YOU ASKED FOR IT!!!" ::::egg smash:::: ::::shaving cream spray:::: ::::paint thinner splash:::: ::::Molotov cocktail explosion::::


Little do they know, I'm home. Every year. Listening to them knock. Silently pretending I'm not home. Laying in my bed, watching TV with as little volume as possible. Remembering what it was like to be 5, standing on the next porch, dreaming of yet another beautiful piece of candy, waiting to scream "Trick or Treat" and then look a cute as possible in your Bumble Bee attire, hoping that if you looked better than the other 50 superheroes and princesses that came by that night, he will dump the whole bowl in your bag, because "your costume is WAAAAY better than all the rest!", and having that dream crushed because no one at that house was home.

That's right bitches, I was home last year, hearing your pleading knocks on the door and eating a whole bowl of Milky Ways by myself and watching Jeopardy.

This year I am going to miss those fun times because I have to attend band pratice, so my one-legged roommate is going to have to fend for himself. I hope he lays by the door, pours ketchup all over his stump, opens the door and screams "JESUS CHRIST! DON'T JUST SIT THERE LOOKING ALL CUTE IN YOUR BUMBLE BEE OUTFIT! SOMEONE'S CUT OFF MY FUCKING LEG, GO GET HELP YOU LITTLE SHITS!"


posted by othur-me @ 4:05 PM  
13 Comments:
  • At 6:26 PM, Blogger fringes said…

    I think we visited your house tonight. Surly-dude dropped no more than two Smarties into my Power Ranger's pumpkin and sent him on his way without so much as an F.U.

    The other 900 houses we visited were super-nice, though. We're tired!

     
  • At 11:20 AM, Blogger othur-me said…

    Two smarties or two packs of smarties. Because giving a kid two unwrapped smarties is being even a bigger asshole than me.

     
  • At 12:01 PM, Blogger Margaret said…

    Long live the true spirit of the holiday!

     
  • At 12:25 PM, Blogger othur-me said…

    margaret - when I was a teenager I made it my Halloween mission to terrorize as many other kids as I could by spraying shaving cream in their faces or pelting them with rotten eggs, old pumpkins, and water balloons filled with cheap perfume and Nair. I'm not past continuing that tradition into adulthood by making them believe they are seeing a man who just had his leg cut off. So.....true spirit INDEED!

     
  • At 5:06 PM, Blogger Jane said…

    meanie!

     
  • At 9:10 PM, Blogger Red said…

    Wow, that last part would've been priceless. Please tell him to really do that one year.

     
  • At 10:44 PM, Blogger Killer said…

    If I was missing a leg, I would be scaring kids everyday, not just Halloween. Your room mate owes it to himself to do that.

     
  • At 3:39 AM, Blogger Liz said…

    I am a fan of the BEAUTY of the spirit behind Halloween: freeloading in costume so that you can not be accuratelly identified in a line up. I was going to express my disappointment in you for not being more into this most unique celebration. Then you said you pelted kids with water balloons filled with perfume and Nair and I thought better of it.

     
  • At 11:04 AM, Blogger EEK said…

    If you really want to be cruel hand out toothbrushes or pennies. Or apples. That'd be a good way to stick it to the neighborhood children.

    Or homemade popcorn balls.

     
  • At 11:15 AM, Blogger othur-me said…

    Jane - What can I say? I have an evil streak....no wait....maybe I'm all evil, with a good streak. I can never remember.

    Red - I tell him every year and he just gives me this "yeah right" stare. I told him I thought he could make an extra $2500 a year by hiring himself out to the highest haunted house bidder.

    Killer - I'm with you. Life deals you lemons? Throw them at little kids!

    Liz - and I have good aim. I hit Little Suzy Ponytails in the head every year.

    EEK - I think even those are too functional...a kid can actually use a toothbrush. I think you have to give them something completely non-functional for kids. "Here you go, kid. A brand new 3 cent stamp!"

     
  • At 4:04 PM, Blogger Stepping Over the Junk said…

    My mom puts her tv in the closet and turns off all the lights and hides when kids knock. Dont kids know NOT to knock if the front light isnt on? If there arent any pumpkins on the stoop? I mean really. Someone who isnt going to answer the door or leave a bucket of something on the steps IS NOT going to have a pumpkin on the stoop for you to smash cause you are so pissed...so dont even bother knocking....amen

    Does your roommate really only have one leg?

     
  • At 4:09 PM, Blogger othur-me said…

    SOTJ - he really does only have one (more like one and half). His left leg was amputated below the knee. Apparently his sense of humor was stored in his foot, because no amount of coaxing will get him to put ketchup on his stump and pass it off as a fresh wound..

     
  • At 6:27 PM, Blogger don't call me MA'AM said…

    And here I was hoping that he would agree. Bummer.

     
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